As parents age, their needs and abilities may change, often making it harder for them to manage daily tasks independently. For adult children or caregivers, these shifts can be difficult to watch, and a natural response is to offer help. However, it’s not uncommon for elderly parents to resist assistance, even when it would significantly improve their safety, comfort, or quality of life.
If you are struggling to talk to your aging parents about getting additional support, you aren’t alone. It’s not easy to support a parent who is going through this experience. The parent-child relationship can be complex, especially as our parents get older. As the caregiver roles start to reverse, communicating effectively and compassionately with your loved ones is key to making sure everyone’s needs are being met and wishes are being respected. Here are some important tips to help you communicate with your aging parents:
Approach Them With Empathy And Compassion
A little empathy and positivity can go a long way toward convincing your parents to get the help they need. Put yourself in your parents' shoes and try to understand their perspective. Show empathy and compassion by listening to them and acknowledging their emotions and fears.
- Listen to your loved one: Ask gentle questions to understand where they’re coming from. For example, you can ask them what’s going on that makes them not want to go to the doctor. Then hear them out. Your parent might say things like: “my doctor doesn’t listen to me” or some variation of “I don’t agree with what my doctor says.” If your parent is saying any of these things, this could be their way of telling you that there are some cultural barriers or miscommunications happening with their doctor.
- Validate their emotions: Show empathy and validate their feelings, letting them know that you hear and understand their perspective.
Make sure that your loved ones know that your requests are heartfelt and that you want them to maintain their independence while being as happy and healthy as possible.
Remind Them That They’re In Control
One of the biggest reasons that older adults refuse help is because they’re afraid of losing control. Remind your parents that getting help isn’t taking away their independence, in fact, it’s a way for them to get the support they need so they aren’t held back from doing the things they want to do. Assure them that they’ll be involved in every step of the process, and they’re still the ones making all the decisions:
- Offer them choices: Instead of telling them what they need, offer choices so they feel in control. For example, “Would you prefer having help with meal prep or transportation?” This way, they can still make decisions about their care.
- Take a collaborative approach: Reinforce that you’re there to work together to find solutions that work for everyone. Ask family members and close friends to assist you with difficult conversations. Hearing a tough message from someone else or multiple loved ones can sometimes make it easier to process.
Focus on the Positives
When discussing care options with an older adult who refuses care, highlight the benefits that care will bring them.
- Highlight the benefits: Rather than focusing on what they can’t do, focus on how support can enhance what they enjoy. For example, instead of saying, “You can’t drive safely,” frame it as, “This help will allow you to keep seeing your friends and staying active without worrying about driving.” Or point out that hiring a caregiver to help with errands and housekeeping will free up their time for their favorite activity.
- Avoid using negative language: Try not to use words like “help” or “need assistance,” which may reinforce feelings of helplessness. Frame conversations in terms of “convenience” or “getting more out of life.”
- Talk about long-term positives: Remind your loved one that getting care now may help prevent a fall or other health crises in the future.
Start Small
- Start with small adjustments: Sometimes it’s best to focus on smaller matters to start making a difference. Begin by offering help with errands like grocery shopping or light household tasks.
- Celebrate little wins: If they accept any form of assistance, no matter how minor, show appreciation and encourage them. Positive reinforcement can encourage your loved one to be more open to further support.
Talk About How Their Actions Impact You
Sometimes the best way to get through to your elderly parents is to tell them how much the issue impacts you, your children, or their other loved ones. Whether your aging parents don’t want to get a will, find a safer place to live, or accept in-house care, feel free to show them how their actions affect you.
- Express personal concerns: Sometimes elderly parents need to hear how their well-being affects you. Share your feelings without applying pressure. For example, say, “I worry when you don’t answer the phone right away. It would help my peace of mind to know you’re safe.”
- Avoid guilt or ultimatums: Rather than saying, “You need to do this for me,” explain that their safety is genuinely important to you. Present the idea from a place of love and support, instead of a condition of your support.
Involve a Trusted Professional
If breaking through to your parents is still proving to be a challenge, it may be time to bring in a professional.
- Consider a neutral third party: Sometimes, parents may respond better to advice from a trusted professional, such as their doctor, a physical therapist, or a family friend. These individuals can present options in a less emotionally charged manner. For instance, a doctor might explain the importance of using a walker or cane to prevent falls. Hearing it from a medical professional can give the suggestion added weight.
- Geriatric care manager: Bringing in a geriatric care manager (also known as a VCM) can be beneficial when disagreements about how to handle care arise, or even when you simply need more support navigating this new stage. If you find yourself struggling stuck in a difficult dynamic with your family, a geriatric care manager may be able to help. The care manager’s objective recommendations can help shift discussions from emotional arguments to informed decisions focused on what’s best for your elderly parents.some text
- A geriatric care manager acts as a neutral third party who can offer unbiased advice based on the actual needs of the parent. This is particularly useful when siblings disagree on major decisions like how much care is needed or where the parent should live. These professionals are also skilled at hosting family meetings where they can help define each sibling’s role, set clear expectations, and mediate conflicts. This can be crucial for families where communication often breaks down or where unresolved issues from the past affect present interactions. By keeping discussions on track and focused on the parent’s needs, a geriatric care manager helps siblings work together more effectively.
- Additionally, when siblings live far apart or have uneven caregiving duties, tensions can flare. A geriatric care manager can manage care from afar, keep local care running smoothly, and ensure that all siblings are updated about their parent’s care and condition. This helps reduce feelings of unfairness or resentment among siblings, as everyone stays informed and involved.
- If you think a geriatric care manager could be helpful for you, you can find one in your area through Google or by looking in the Aging Life Care Association’s directory.
Communicating with your aging parents is about finding common ground, and balancing respect for your parents' independence with genuine concern for their well-being. Each family dynamic is unique, and no solution will fit all, but remaining patient, empathetic, and open can significantly ease these conversations. Remember that sometimes the best way to help is simply by being there, offering reassurance and a listening ear — and it’s totally okay to ask for help when you need it!
