As our parents grow older, many of us find ourselves in a new role—caretaker. We may notice them slowing down, struggling with daily tasks, or making decisions that seem impractical for their changing needs. It’s a tough transition, one often marked by resistance on their part, especially when they refuse help. Whether it’s out of pride, fear of losing independence, or simply denial about the reality of aging, it can be frustrating and worrisome to watch your aging parents refuse assistance. Understanding and identifying challenging behaviors in your aging parents and knowing where to seek guidance and support is crucial for both caregivers and aging parents. This guide explores how to identify challenging behaviors, potential underlying causes, and how to best navigate these changes.
What Are Some Challenging Behaviors to Look Out For?
- Anger, hostility and outbursts: Age and illness can intensify anger and hostility in unexpected ways. The aging process can spark resentment in seniors who are living with chronic pain, losing friends, experiencing memory issues, and all the other challenges that come with aging.
- Social withdrawal: As adults age, they often live further away from their children, lose touch with friends, and sometimes have difficulty getting out of the house to socialize. All of these things contribute to isolation and loneliness in aging parents. A once sociable parent may begin to isolate themselves, either due to depression, anxiety, or the challenges of mobility and transportation as they age.
- Poor hygiene: It is more common than most people think for aging parents to refuse to bathe, change their clothes and maintain good personal hygiene. This could be caused by depression, decline in cognitive function, a desire to hold on to autonomy or control, or because they simply can no longer detect their own body odor or see their disheveled appearance as clearly due to aging.
- Paranoia and delusions: Elderly parents may make false accusations of theft or abuse or believe someone is trying to harm them. It is vital to thoroughly investigate these claims to ensure your loved one’s safety and well-being, but if you are unable to find any signs of an issue — it may be time to get help.
- Hoarding: When an aging person hoards, it could be a sign of the onset of Alzheimer’s or dementia. But it can also be a sign of an elderly parent who is anxious about the aging process and the possibility of outliving their resources and is collecting “useful” items and obsessively saving money due to feeling overwhelmed about what lies ahead. Some aging parents may hold on to items because they worry their memories will be lost without their belongings. While those fears may be valid, hoarding could lead to long-term issues such as cluttered living spaces that can lead to frequent falls, health concerns due to lack of cleanliness, and just more items to manage during downsizing or moving.
- Refusing to accept help from caregivers: A common and difficult scenario with aging loved ones is navigating how to help them when they refuse to accept it. When this happens, they’re simply unable to recognize the need for, request, or access the services and support that could improve their quality of life.
- Demanding and attention seeking behavior: Once a family member becomes a caregiver, the care recipient might see this as a 24/7 commitment. However, caregivers have other obligations and priorities like work, family, and their own physical and mental health. If your aging parent is being more reliant on you than needed or is unable to respect your needs and boundaries, it may be time to ask for outside help.
How Can I Get My Loved One to Accept Help
Once you’ve identified challenging behaviors in your loved one, the next step is to talk to your parent(s) on the best way to address their unique needs.
- Evaluate your parent’s current living situation: To start, assess your parent’s living conditions, activities, and mental health. What is your parent still able to do? Where is help definitely necessary? How heavily do they value self-sufficiency and their sense of purpose? Evaluating your aging parent’s life is essential so that you can be direct and prioritize your concerns when initiating the conversation. This also helps in aligning what they value and what motivates their behavior.
- Stay positive and empathetic: A little empathy and positivity can go a long way toward convincing your parents to get the help they need. Make sure that your aging parents know that your requests are heartfelt and that you want them to be as happy and healthy as possible. That compassion can make it easier for your loved ones to accept the situation and make choices based on their quality of life.
- Let them have control and autonomy: One of the biggest reasons that seniors refuse care or other forms of help is because they’re afraid of losing control. Make it clear that accepting help is just a form of support so that they aren’t held back. Don’t be afraid to stress that your loved ones are still making all the decisions and that any help is meant to make their lives easier.
- Provide options: Try and give your loved ones plenty of options to give them more agency in these important decisions.
- Collaborate with others: You may not be the only person who has to convince your elderly parents to get help. Family members and close friends can also assist you with these important endeavors. Hearing from multiple loved ones or even bringing in geriatric care managers, social workers, or therapists can help.
How Can Geriatric Care Managers Help?
If you’re still struggling to convince your aging parent to accept help, or you’re not sure where to start making a plan — that’s where a geriatric care manager comes in. According to the National Institute on Aging, a geriatric care manager, also known as an aging life care expert, is often a licensed nurse or social worker who specializes in health care for elderly adults. Geriatric care managers work with older adults and their families to identify needs, make a care plan, and find services and resources in their community. They can be especially helpful when a caregiver lives far away or is feeling stressed out, an aging parent is refusing care, or there are conflicts in how to handle the care of an aging parent.
Geriatric care managers can:
- Be an objective third party while discussing difficult topics and complex issues
- Make home visits and recommend services and community resources
- Address emotional concerns and provide support
- Develop short- and long-term care plans
- Evaluate in-home care needs
- Coordinate medical services
- Refer other care specialists
- Provide stress relief to caregivers
If you think enlisting the support of a geriatric care manager is right for you, this online tool can help you find a Medicare-certified home health agency that’s right for you.
Read more: Building A Care Team For Your Aging Parent
Role of Social Workers or Therapists
Social workers provide counseling to elderly clients to help them cope with the psychological, emotional, social and financial challenges that come with aging, including accepting help. They can also advise clients' families and loved ones through this difficult transition by helping with care management, conflict resolution, and counseling. If your parent or loved one is struggling with the changes that come with aging, a social worker or therapist may be able to help them process their emotions and embrace this next phase of their life.
Watching your parents age and refusing help can be one of the hardest challenges to navigate. But by approaching the situation with compassion, patience, and empathy, you can help ease the transition for both of you. Remember, the goal is not to take away their independence, but to help them maintain it for as long as possible with the support they need. Balancing love, respect, and responsibility will guide you in making the right decisions for your family’s unique situation.
