As an adult child, one of the most challenging conversations you may face is talking to your elderly parents about giving up driving. For many, driving symbolizes independence, and the discussion is often fraught with resistance. The topic can bring up feelings of loss and vulnerability, making it even harder to address.
With that said, ensuring your parent’s safety and the safety of others on the road is essential. When you see warning signs that they shouldn't be on the road anymore, it's important to act immediately. Here’s how to approach this sensitive topic thoughtfully and effectively.
Understanding What Driving Symbolizes
To approach this conversation with empathy, it’s important to understand what driving represents to your parents.
Many of today’s older adults were born when the automobile was becoming mainstream. They grew up in a world where owning and driving a car was not just a means of transportation, but a rite of passage and a key part of their identity. For them, driving isn't just about getting from one place to another; it’s intertwined with their personal history and sense of self.
If you drive, reflect on the first time you got your driver’s license and the sense of independence it brought you. Imagine how it would feel if you were asked to give up this independence. Your parents might have already made many sacrifices, such as downsizing their home or giving up certain hobbies, but driving tends to be one of the hardest to give up.
The first step to approaching the conversation is to understand the sensitivity of the topic. The next step is to know the right time to have the conversation.
How to Know When It’s Time to Stop
If you're trying to understand if your aging parents are safe to continue driving, it's important to know that it’s not about their age, but rather their ability. If you have any concern about their safety of the safety of others on the road, it's time to have them evaluated.
In general, people over 75 years have a higher possibility of fatal crashes. But there are many nuances to each situation that need to be considered when figuring out if your loved one is capable of being behind the wheel.
Here are some flags that indicate it’s time to begin looking at your parent’s driving ability:
- Concerns from family or friends: Have any family members or friends expressed concerns about your parents' driving abilities?
- Tickets & other violations: Have they had any recent moving violations or minor accidents?
- Health issues: Are there any worsening chronic illnesses or eyesight problems?
If you answer “yes” to any of these questions, it's time to have the conversation.
In this guide, we detail concrete ways to have a parent evaluated. Finding an Occupational Therapist in the American Occupational Therapy Association database can help you find driving rehabilitation providers.
Tips for Having the Driving Conversation
Here are a few tips to keep in mind when having the conversation.
- Be gentle: Approach the conversation with respect and avoid talking down. Create an environment where your parent feels you are working with them, not dictating their decisions.
- Example: Instead of saying, “You need to stop driving because it’s dangerous,” try, “I’ve noticed some changes in your driving, and I’m concerned about your safety. Can we talk about some options to keep you safe?”
- Choose the right messenger: The conversation should be led by someone your parent trusts and feels comfortable with, whether that’s you, another close family member, or their physician.
- Example: If your parent has a good relationship with their primary care physician, consider asking the doctor to discuss the issue. “Dr. Smith, could you talk to Mom about her driving? She really respects your opinion and might take your advice more seriously.”
- Use positive phrasing: Focus on their well-being. Highlight how the changes will benefit them and ensure their safety.
- Example: Instead of saying, “You’re not safe to drive anymore,” try, “We want you to be safe and healthy, and finding other transportation options can help with that.”
- Provide examples: Share stories of others who have made similar decisions and how it positively impacted their lives.
- Example: “You know my friend from church, Gail? She decided to stop driving last year and now uses Lyft. She says it’s been a huge relief and she feels safer.”
- Offer alternatives: Discuss other transportation options like public transport, ride-sharing services, or carpooling.
- Example: “There’s a great senior transportation service in town that several of our neighbors use. They’ve found it very convenient and reliable.”
- Expect resistance: It’s natural for them to be defensive. Be patient and give them time to process the information.
- Example: If they respond with frustration, try saying, “I understand this is a lot to take in. Let’s take some time to think about it and revisit the conversation in a few days.”
What To Do If They Won’t Give Up
Some people will not give up their keys, no matter how hard you try to convince them that it’s the only appropriate next step.
If you believe your parent's driving is a safety risk, you should contact their doctor, the DMV, and the police in their county to learn what they advise.
Additionally, AARP provides a Driver Safety Course with a 90% possibility of driver improvement. Around 92% of participants said they would suggest the course to a friend. When completed, these courses provide insurance reductions. If you think your parent is not a danger on the road, but could use some refreshers, this could be a good next step.
